Amy Winehouse cleaned up at the 2008 Grammys.

Fresh out of her latest stint in rehab, the sexy siren who started it all won 5 Grammys at the 2008 awards show, including record and song of the year. The beehive-sporting clothes rack performed live via satellite (hopefully the vid is still up when you click through!), and spectators were surprised how healthy the little heroin honey looked. Kudos to you girl, if only I could be as high and as hot as you, bitch! You told us you were trouble, but some of us just didn’t listen. Keep on belting out those Grammy-winning albums, baby!!

Image

Spit somethin' on the mic (0)

Heidi Montag tries to increase the ROI on her boob job with Higher.

Hills not-so-hottie Heidi Montag released her first music video last week, but her song, “Higher,” is so unremarkable that the best I can do is call attention to its tongue-in-cheek marijuana reference.

Speaking of greenery, I had to smoke a pound of weed to get high enough to cope with the trauma of watching that video. I’ve made sweeter music in my flannel night gown having my hemorrhoids tended to by some foreign doctor at the ER. And on that note, why can’t we get doctors who speak English in hospitals?

Every time I go to the ER, I feel like I just stepped into India, with me and my lady parts starring in a Bollywood production.

Spit somethin' on the mic (0)

Cher is taking her pickpocketing act to Vegas.

Yes, darlings, it’s true… Pop diva and iconic actress Cher is returning to the stage to perform another 39 million farewell performances. This time, the old gal says it will be more like 200 performances over the next 3 years, all while sharing a stage with another diva – the divine Ms. Bette Midler – at Ceasar’s Palace in Las Vegas.

It’s the same venue that Celine Dion occupied for three years, but thankfully, bitch is done. If I have to sit through another hour of her thumping her chest to Cirque de Soliel, I’ll slit my beautiful, voluptuous wrist. Thank you to both Cher and Bette for putting that old horse down. I will keep you kiddies posted on the the inevitable cat fights these two divas are sure to have.

Image

Spit somethin' on the mic (0)

Mariah Carey defies comprehension.

Mariah, honey, baby… I have been saying this for years, and you just wont listen. I am going to ask one more time, nicely:

Will you please put those saggy ass pancake tits away??

There comes a time when it’s no longer appropriate for your tits to enter the room before the rest of you. Put those old girls away, please, LORD JESUS!

Image

Spit somethin' on the mic (1)

Brad Renfro might have been an adrenalin junkie, no?

Speaking of dead B-list celebs, poor little sexy Brad Renfro is dead at 25 from a heroin overdose. Where was the huge media blitz for him? Sure, he was no Heath Ledger, but he was still adorable. And why heroin? If only he stuck with blow like the rest of us, he may still be with us… Tweaked as hell, but with us all the same.

Spit somethin' on the mic (0)

Roy Scheider is enjoying a dirt nap.

Greetings kiddies and hacks alike! It’s the Divine Miss Phillacia Diovina, here with the latest celebrity tea. Oh yes, girl, I said tea, and it is about to be spilled.

First off, my tribute to a glorious man who gave me the first boner I can recollect. I was 8, and it was late at my grandparents’ East Hampton retreat. I was watching HBO when I saw him—he was gorgeous and tan, and I think I spotted his peen when he came out of the ocean. Yes, it was none other than Jaws star actor, Roy Scheider.

He died Sunday in the Arkansas Medical Science Hospital, aged 75. He and his wet trunks shall surely be missed. Since he was in Arkansas, I assure you kiddies that he is better off dead… Think of the horror being in Arkansas!

Source & Image

Spit somethin' on the mic (0)

Britney Spears lost custody of her kids to K-Fed. Wow.

I know I know… you read that headline and figured dumbass left the little ones at the truck stop where she scores Oxycontin milkshakes and rejuvenates her weave. But no… she has actually lost custody of her kids to Father of the Year Kevin Federline.

Since getting a court to take kids away from a mother is a tough thing to accomplish, let’s take a look at why. You’d think all of her craziness, reckless behavior and criminal fashion choices would be enough. But here’s what did her in with the court:

Spears was ordered to meet with a drug counselor — she didn’t do it.

Spears was ordered to submit to drug testing — she didn’t do it.

Spears was ordered to enroll in parenting classes — didn’t do it.

Spears was also required to sign the judge’s order — again, she didn’t.

Look, this is just wrong. Taking parenting classes and submitting to drug testing and counseling is a really good way to kill your buzz. And signing the judge’s order would require hillbilly girl to learn how to write. As if.

Spit somethin' on the mic (27)

Madonna prefers the feminine touch that only a purple strap-on dildo can provide.

Nothing like jolly old London for an evening stroll and the purchase of a Purple Penetrator Strap-On dildo. The stories I could tell you…

But enough about high school. Here’s Madonna leaving London’s Claridges Hotel yesterday with the illustrious Purple Penetrator strap-on, in a clear bag naturally, for privacy’s sake. Guy looks pretty excited in anticipation of getting a bit bent, so I guess he’s into it. Or else doing research for a new prison flick. Who knows?

Image

Spit somethin' on the mic (1)