Britney Spears ruthlessly dishes out door dings in her Mercedes.

Britney Spears is continuing her run for the Humanitarian of the Year Award. Here we have video of dumbass Britney hitting a Mercedes station wagon with her car while trying to park. Then Britney opens her door and hits the car again.

So, of course she gets out and inspects the damage to the other car, and leaves a note, right? Instead, Britney checks out her own car, and walks off. Nice.

Really, we can’t expect Britney to act like a person with a brain and a chromosomal structure undamaged from generations of moonshine and inbreeding would. Just watch the video after the jump, and mutter “bless her heart” like they do for all retarded kids down South. [More after the jump →]

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Victoria Beckham isn’t welcome anywhere, especially at the bra store.

Not everyone loves Victoria Beckham as much as I do, which is to say they hate her, since I don’t like her at all. But you knew that.

Apparently this latest version of the British Invasion is not being received well, with even the celebrity-friendly management of the Chateau Marmont Hotel in Hollywood wishing Posh would pack a lunch rather than dine there.

“She always lets the paparazzi know when she’ll be arriving. The Chateau Marmont tries to give celebs their privacy, and they hate her there. They like David [Beckham, her husband], though.”

To add huge diss to that disrespect, even Britney Spears isn’t a fan.

Britney Spears turned up at the Chateau and the only table available was the one next to Posh,” laughs the snitch. “But Britney didn’t want to sit next to her, so she and her friend stormed off to Il Sole instead.”

Of course Britney doesn’t want to sit next to her. She’d come up with nothing but air when she tried to grub off of Posh’s plate. She’d end up with a handful of plastic cantaloupe, just like that other fake fruit Britney tried to feed the kids at that La Quinta in Akron.

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Britney Spears relives the inflatable kiddie pool days with this throwback “bikini.”

Britney Spears has reportedly threatened the lives of some paparazzi, and seems to be a constant threat to the well-being of her own children. I’d go ahead and add small animals and good taste to the endangered list.

Britney Spears threw a baby bottle and threatened two photographers after they took pictures of her leaving a Las Vegas spa, the photographers said in a statement on Tuesday.

Spears yelled “I am going to kill you! I am going to f—ing kill you!,” at Andrew Deetz, the photographer who was allegedly beaten by Spears’ bodyguard on Thursday, according to a statement released by their lawyers.

The only things Britney can kill are a tube of Clearasil and a fashion designer’s spirit. Well, I guess we might add in those two rug rats of hers, too.

The new issue of US Weekly is destined to take Britney down, with a cover story about how she puts soda in Sean Preston and Jayden’s bottles, how their teeth are rotting out, and various other evidence of Britney being a bad mom.

“[Sean Preston] is having dental problems because Britney just shoves a bottle of juice in his mouth all the time to stop him from crying,” a “family insider” told Us. In April, Spears “asked an L.A. dentist if he would whiten her kid’s teeth” but the dentist refused.

I won’t be surprised when these two kids end up diabetic. Britney will mix in a little black tar heroin with the insulin, just so nap time starts immediately and she can get back to surfing for a stepfather over at whitetrash.net.

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Hayden Panettiere shows off her whale tail thong.

OK, first Heros’ star Hayden Panettiere started by licking the breasts of her friends. Then she graduated to statuary butt licking. Now, she’s licking her own butt.

Rather than going the long and tortuous yoga-to-get-limber route that many a young man attempts in the other direction while alone in his bedroom, Hayden is practical in her auto-rimming. She simply sticks her hands into her crack and then licks her fingers.

Call the Colonel! We’ve got tossed salad in a bucket, and it’s finger licking… well, you get it. No need to spell out every ass-grazing detail for you sharp cookies, right?

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Lindsay Lohan’s new movie, I Know Who Killed Me, is a box office flop.

Lindsay Lohan’s film I Know Who Killed Me blew it at the box office like Blohan at a cock and coke party. The flick took 9^th place at the box office with only $3.4 million in ticket sales, meaning most of the $35 million it took to shovel this crap will never be seen again.

In other good news, The Simple Life has been cancelled, meaning Nicole Richie and her skanky co-star are unemployed. Apparently the producers of the show were not able to work around the girls’ heavy prison schedules.

And speaking of the Herpes Heiress, looks like Grandpa Hilton has cut her out of his will to the tune of $60 million in lost Valtrex purchasing power. So, this out-of-work disinherited ex-con will likely be producing another sex tape soon, and if it co-stars an equestrian-level animal, I’ll start using her name again.

Who says Mondays suck?

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The Spice Girls reunion tour is a go; somebody check the thermostat in hell.

Here we see the Five Hos of the Apocolypse: Pestilence, War, Famine, Death and Posh. Thank goodness for plastic surgery and Photoshop, huh ladies?

They say a man is only as old as the woman he feels, but what happens when the woman you feel is old with new plastic parts? More importantly, why do women keep pressing charges against me for trying to feel like a teenager?

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Surprise! Lindsay Lohan says she was in someone else’s pants.

Wooo hoo… the spin coming out of the Lindsay Lohan camp is so dizzying I may just cut back on mescaline this week. What’s sad is that the spew is so amateurish. This plotline wouldn’t even make the cut for an episode of The Rockford Files.

Of all the silly things that are being said, I love this one the most:

They say the cocaine was not Lindsay’s, she was wearing someone else’s pants.

Someone else’s pants? How will they ever find the true cokehead now? The LAPD is going to have to staff up, because Lindsay has been in more people’s pants than anyone can count.

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Courtney Love has wonky lips.

Did you know Courtney Love had plastic surgery on her mouth? Who does that? We know that those fake tits of hers are as wonky as her sobriety vows, but apparently her mouth job is wonky too and she wants her old mouth back. What, is it frozen in a jar somewhere?

In a very poorly written post on her website she confesses: “My mouth still looks wonky, i think i gott go back to paris tot he dr, he fixes bad surgery and also cleft palates and serious shit its nbot really vanity hes conservtive, wich we like.

I’ve never understood why this chick is so freaking illiterate on her MySpace page, but now I get it… she’s dictating this drivel with that wonky mouth of hers. Courtney, here’s how to solve your mouth problem and every other problem in your life:

Wire that shit shut, mmmkay?

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