Lindsay Lohan mugshot.

This is just unbelievable. Lindsay Lohan, fresh out of rehab after wrecking her car and being charged with DUI back in May, has been arrested for DUI again, even though her license was suspended and she was wearing an alcohol-monitoring device. Last time, cocaine was found in the car. This time, it was found on her person.

According to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Dept., 21-year-old Lohan was nailed around 2:15 AM near Pico Boulevard and Main Street early Tuesday morning.

At the station, a search of her person was conducted, and cocaine was found in her pants pocket.

A breath test was conducted and her blood alcohol was between .12 and .13.

Turns out Lindsay was busted because she was chasing another car at high speed. Law enforcement officials say that if convicted of these FELONY charges, she will most certainly do time. At this pace though, I’m not sure Lindsay has much time left.

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Britney Spears unleashed a barrage of 4-letter words and insults on photographers.

I’m so sick of Britney Spears. Won’t someone just take out the trash, because it’s starting to stink bad. Britney makes me feel dirty, and not in the way I pay good money for.

Ms. Spears displayed her wonderful vocabulary skills over the wails of her crying children recently. She seemed to get very agitated when she was caught on camera again with her child on her lap behind the wheel of a car. Here are the nice things she had to say:

“Hey baby, when are you going to get on a diet? Have you ever tried Weight Watchers, you fat fuck. Why don’t you run, you need to fuckin’ jog, you pussy. Yeah, run, run bitch.”

Don’t believe me? Check the video yourself. But if you’re fighting a predisposition towards trailer parks, monster trucks and sibling sex, this may knock you off the redneck wagon. [More after the jump →]

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Lindsay Lohan plays a stripper in the movie I Know Who Killed Me

Well, it looks like Lindsay can run to 6 weeks of rehab, and then run to Vegas to try to locate a solution that defeats an alcohol-monitoring device, but she can’t hide. Lohan turned herself in to the Beverly Hills cops for a bit of the old banana in the tailpipe. Either that or for that little DUI and cocaine thing back in May. I don’t really know, who reads this kind of crap?

But it does seem that Lindsay’s uncontrolled antics are having a negative impact on her career, whatever that is. Apparently her trip to Vegas right on the heels of her rehab didn’t go over well with the money people, and her flick “Poor Things” with Shirley MacLaine has been cancelled.

The insurers were said to worry that Lohan, despite wearing an alcohol-monitoring device around her ankle and claiming to take daily drug tests, had gone out clubbing with pals.

Dude, that’s a bummer. Shirley MacLaine could have totally shown Lindsay that in a past life, she was a no-good booze-swilling coke whore with huge daddy issues and a bleak future. And by past life, I mean earlier today.

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Nick Nolte passed out at the Kauai Airport in Hawaii.

After Nick Nolte took one of the most classic celebrity mug shots ever when arrested for DUI in 2002, you’d hope the guy would get his act together. And he has. His act is more hilarious than ever.

Dripping in sweat and barely able to keep his bloodshot eyes open, a handlebar-mustached Nick Nolte stunned travelers at the Kauai Airport this week — by passing out cold on the terminal floor!

According to the source, Nolte was still extremely friendly despite his groggy state – chatting with fans and allowing passengers to snap photos, however, he wasn’t entirely functional. “At one point we helped him put a dollar in the vending machine.”

Well, come on now… those vending machines are tricky. Especially when you’re trying to buy condoms in the bathroom and you’re distracted by the site of your date hiking up her skirt to use the urinal. At this point you’re thinking, is there something Frank isn’t telling me about herself?

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Ashlee Simpson’s dad doesn’t approve of her androgynous boy toy Pete Wentz.

Joe Simpson (Jessica and Ashlee’s father and summa cum laude graduate of the Lou Pearlman School of Child Exploitation and Crappy Music) is a notorious control freak. If there’s one thing he can’t stand, it’s seeing his little girls out with other men. So naturally, he’s apparently not too happy with Ashlee’s current girlie beau, Pete Wentz.

Joe says he’s going to put his foot down,” said a source. “Ashlee may be of age, but Joe’s determined to show he’s still calling the shots. All of her former boyfriends were Joe-approved – but Pete is a wild card.”

And by wildcard I guess he’s really confused by the fact that Pete wears eyeliner. Joe can’t decide whether to pull the plug on the relationship or pull up a chair and watch.

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Kirsten Dunst sags when she’s drunk… and probably also when she’s sober.

Ever get really drunk and feel the undeniable urge for late-night pancakes and fried eggs? Well, here’s Kirsten Dunst, tanked up again and sporting the IHOP analogy of your choice right there under whatever that hideous thing is she’s wearing. There’s nothing worse than getting lit up and leaving your bra in the men’s room, or in Kirsten’s case, getting your tits caught in your waistband.

But let’s face it—seeing Kiki Drunkst wasted again is simply not news. That’s like reporting that the sun rose in the East today, or that Spring follows Winter, or that Paris Hilton blew a stranger. These are the constants that bring comfort to our lives.

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Kelly Clarkson ate some pot cookies… And yes, she inhaled.

American Idol sensation Kelly Clarkson has admitted she’s chowed down on a marijuana cookie in an interview with USA Today. Now, given that I despise all these skeletal fish sticks walking around LA, I’m not going to make the easy fat joke. But it goes without saying that marijuana cookies are a gateway drug that leads to more cookies, and then Doritos, and next thing you know you’re doing a half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream with a side of chicken fingers.

“It was in Amsterdam,” she says. “It is legal there, and it is not legal here. I don’t ever do anything illegal here. I have never smoked anything in my life. I’ve never tried any drugs. I wouldn’t do anything that would cause holes in your brain or your nasal cavity. Call me Texan, but I don’t think of marijuana like that. I don’t understand people who drink too much. I think, ‘Why do you drink so much? It just adds calories.’”

Drinking adds calories, but so do marijuana cookies. See above for a clue, fatty.

Whoops. I said I wasn’t going to go there. To make up for it, I’ll sing my latest country song in honor of Kelly. It’s called “I Promise Not to Drink Anymore (But I Ain’t Drinkin’ any Less).”

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John Travolta is an ambiguously gay, wild hog of a man.

If anyone can make Ice-T look svelte, it’s John Travolta. And if there’s anything John Travolta likes more than dancing, it’s fresh penis. Sorry, I meant pie. Not sure why I said penis, but I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything.

So, how does a big star like John Travolta find new and interesting pies each and every day?

“He travels with two chefs,” Oscar winner Marisa Tomei said of her “Wild Hogs” co-star John Travolta. “One regular chef and one pastry chef. He eats a fresh pie every day.”

You know, they say if you see a bear in the woods, you should drop to the ground and play dead. But before doing that, I would confirm that the bear is not John Travolta, or he may actually take a moment to stuff something other than his face. Your best bet is to throw your picnic basket at him, or pretend to have diarrhea.

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