Ice-T will never drown as long as Nicole “Coco” Austin is nearby.

Holy cow, I can’t tell from this angle whose tits are bigger, Ice-T’s or Coco’s. Man, the OG has let himself go, hasn’t he? And while Coco may look like a fembot built out of spare parts, holmes is still lucky she doesn’t leave his ass. Ice must be swinging the big lumber, if you know what I mean. Or maybe she’s just afraid he’ll shoot her.

Check out more pictures of Coco’s and Ice-T’s flotation devices after the jump. [More after the jump →]

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Jessica Simpson insists that her big boobs are real.

Jessica Simpson says she hasn’t had any plastic surgery done. She’s not clear why anyone would want to pay for an operation on a piece of plastic, but she’d be willing to invest in a boob job after she has kids. Good thinking, Jessica.

“I’ve had none,” she says in the August issue of Bazaar. “But maybe after having kids, if my boobs dropped down to my belly button, I would get them lifted. … Maintenance. But you know, my boobs are real.”

Jessica is also not interested in being super skinny. “Curves are better,” she says. “I don’t get the whole rail thing.”

I too prefer a woman with some meat on her bones, but she should also be well-versed on varieties of meat, such as, for example, the difference between chicken and tuna. So, you’re still a bit too dumb for the Hack, Jessica, but I intend to stare at the following 12 titty pictures of you as long as it takes to insure that your ta-tas are in fact real.

Won’t you join me? [More after the jump →]

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Britney Spears is drinking in stealth mode… Sneaky!

We know Britney Spears is a mess to look at, and her recent vendettas against her mother and former manager for getting her into rehab show she’s also not the sharpest tool in the shed. But now Ms. Spears is reportedly drinking like a fish again, but doing it covertly.

“On several occasions, I have seen her pouring alcohol into energy drink cans,” a source told the tab. And, says one insider: “Britney requests that her alcohol be served in carafes rather than in bottles. Once, a waitress made the mistake of bringing her a bottle. Brit grabbed her arm and told her she couldn’t be seen with it.”

Man, I can totally relate. When people think you have a substance abuse problem, you gotta catch your swerve on the down low. I remember one time in church, someone tried to pass me that little jig of wine for communion. I pushed it away so fast I almost broke off the needle in my arm.

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Katie Couric is struggling as the anchorwoman of the CBS Evening News.

Katie Couric has been in the news lately because no one watches her doing the news. Go figure that one out, because I can’t. Anyway, Ms. Couric is apparently having second thoughts about being a real journalist and often wishes she were back on The Today Show doing hard-hitting interviews with Tom Cruise’s hot Latin “masseuse” Rafael.

Katie is so stressed about her job as CBS Evening News anchor that she battered an editor over a word:

Her frustration boiled over in June, after news editor Jerry Cipriano used the word “sputum,” a word she detests, in a piece about tuberculosis. Couric subsequently slapped Cipriano “over and over and over again” on the arm, according to eyewitnesses.

For those of you who don’t know, sputum is matter that is coughed up from the respiratory tract—such as mucus or phlegm mixed with saliva—that when spat out onto any flat surface looks remarkably like Katie Couric’s face. No one likes to be reminded they look like a loogie, and Katie is definitely no one.

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Spencer Pratt and Joel Madden had an “altercation” in a restaurant.

Joel Madden, who will go down in history as the only known man to impregnate a skeleton, decided to capitalize on that distinction and become a knight in shining tattoos as well. Joel reportedly attempted to defend Nicole Richie’s honor over the weekend.

Upon seeing Spencer Pratt of The Hills lunching with fiancée Heidi Montag (and her two new saline friends), Joel rushed over, dropped the phone book he carries around with him, hopped up on it, and screamed:

You’ve been talking s**t about my girl!”

Madden then had to be forcibly separated from Pratt and removed from the Beverly Hills Hotel. Spencer said it was all a misunderstanding.

“It all stems from an interview in Details ages ago where I was misquoted, calling Nicole a skinny bitch. It’s all a misunderstanding. I’ve always thought she’s a really nice girl and I wouldn’t call her that.”

Oh, you most certainly would call her that, Spencer. I bet you’d go so far as to call her a butt-munching twig, wouldn’t you? Spencer is one of those fake pretty boy sons of bitches that will smile to your face just before he stabs you from behind… with his penis.

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Victoria Beckham is confusing her bra size with her boob size.

Who knew? All this time I’ve thought I was looking at a skeleton with two grapefruits lodged in its sternum. But in reality, Victoria Beckham’s implants are demure little globes, really. One might even call them delicate, since they look like a strong wind could pop them like lanced boils.

Victoria Beckham stole the show at last week’s Spice Girls press conference with [the] incredible cleavage… spilling out of her tiny corset. But the star reckons she doesn’t know what all the fuss is about. Victoria told Bizarre: “Everyone keeps going on about my [tits] - but they’re only a 32B.”

32B you say? Sure thing… if you’re actually only 3 feet tall. And since I notice that you don’t have a flat head with a cup holder and an ashtray installed, I’m guessing you’re not 3 feet tall.

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Janet Jackson has back for days.

Remember at the end of the second Nutty Professor flick, when we were supposed to believe that Janet Jackson married Sherman Klump and was going to live happily ever after with his fat ass? Well, this is what happens. Once you go fat, you grow lots of back, baby.

The strange thing is, wasn’t Janet just on the cover of some magazine last month bragging about all the weight she lost? Now her ass is giving J Lo’s caboose a run for the border. Seriously, it looks like someone worked out a zoning change in there and started building condos, or maybe a theme park. Hey, has anyone seen Michael?

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Britney Spears wrote a scathing poem to her mom.

Britney Spears has now turned to poetry to express her anger with her mother Lynne. My best guess is that Britney now acutely realizes that she is a worthless piece of white trash, and blames mom for it. Poor Grandma Spears—she did the best she could with the DNA the good lord done give her.

In the poem, Spears lamented “that she didn’t have a mom anymore and she couldn’t imagine a mother doing what she did to her child,” a source told the tab.

You know the worst thing you can do to a young kid? I mean other than driving them around without a car seat and dropping them on the pavement, of course. That’s right—dressing them funny. Britney’s kids will be in therapy before kindergarten.

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