- Lindsay Lohan shows us that nothing caps a week of alcohol abuse and late-night partying like a ride around the block with god riding shotgun.
- After god’s had enough of her bad driving, Lindsay likes to cart him around with her Mr. T starter set.
- Finally, after god goes to bed early thanks to a long day with Lindsay, Ms. Lohan likes to unwind with a relaxing marijuana cigarette.
- Maybe it’s time you started reading those warning labels. This poor girl didn’t, and she turned into
Vince Vaughna puffer fish. - So Brooke Hogan has a penis. Didn’t see that coming. Good thing there’s no pun in that last sentence.
- What’s up with Tara Reid? One minute she’s a sloppy drunk, the next minute I’m ready to have illegitimate children with her, and now she’s an entrepreneur with Ketchup, an upscale fast food joint? Don’t worry—we’ve already dispatched correspondents to hell to check the temperature.
- Rumer Willis is to condoms what Kobayashi is to hot dogs.
- Revisionist history? Tom Cruise to kill Hitler.
- Oh, and Tom never tried to convert anyone to Scientology? Oh yeah? Well, I did not have sex with Miss Lewinsky.
- Britney Spears to limeys: stay the f*ck up out my biz-nass!
- Justin Timberlake can bring sexy back all he wants… he just can’t bring it to Tennessee.
- Sign of the times: I can’t believe how many people are searching for Janice Dickinson’s vag. Nast!